Sunday, May 10, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
List
I took (and probably failed miserably) my last real final exam yesterday afternoon. This fills me with a small amount of excitement, because while I'm not that thrilled about graduating, I am over the freaking moon that I will never have to endure a finals schedule like the one I just did. Two mind numbing exams on Thursday and then another one on Friday had me hysterically laughing/screaming while curled up in a small ball on my couch. (I'm not exaggerating. Ask my roommates. They were scared.) Now everyone is telling me to celebrate because I'm done forever and get to enter the real world and be a person, which I've been desperately trying to avoid for the past 5 years. I know I'm going to get extremely nostalgic in the coming months/years/decades about college, so I figured to counter that I would compose a list to remind future me of the brain dissolving pain I have just endured.
Reasons Why I Hated Final Exams
1. Sleep deprivation. I do not do well in life if I don't receive lengthy amounts of sleep. Even getting 8 hours, which would refresh a normal person, requires me to consume caffeine in order to function. I have never, ever been able to pull all nighters because they make me physically sick. I become more of a bitch than I already am, if you can believe it. Plus, I love my bed. I love being in it, I love eating in it (ala Liz Lemon), reading in it, doing.... ahem.... other things in it (like reading or watching Lost. Heh). My mattress pad is one of those Swedish space foam ones that just absorb your hand print/body and my sheets are soft and it's great. I freaking love my bed. So anything that deprives me from being in it automatically = hate.
2. I miss my TV shows. Yes, I KNOW I can watch them online the day after. I'm not stupid. This doesn't mean I like to. I actually hate watching things on my computer, it hurts my eyes, the quality often sucks ass and my university internet connection is so slow I'm pretty sure it's powered by a room of senior citizens plugging and unplugging phone jacks or other important wires hidden somewhere on campus. Yes, online TV has less commercials. This doesn't make the commercials any worse to watch. In fact, it's even more annoying to watch the same horrible commercial about the benefits of grape juice or some car I'll never buy 5 times in a row than the traditional blocks of assorted ones. Plus, I like being able to multitask- chat on computer, eat cheeseburger, watch 30 Rock, talk on phone. Finals negate ALL of that.
3. The constant writing of essays aggravates my neck/shoulder to no freaking end. I gave myself whiplash (because I'm awesome) at the beginning of last summer, so now when I'm under a ton of stress and have to write a lot, all the tension becomes centered in those two places. This time, the pain got so bad I couldn't sleep. I even got a massage and it didn't help.
4. I miss out on awesome geeky things like the opening night of Star Trek. Now everyone and their mom has seen it, except me. Which means while everyone is going to be talking about that one cool one alien fight or what an asshole Spock was, I'll just be sitting there drinking myself into a coma and counting down the days until Terminator comes out.
5. The library here at school makes me want to set things (and certain people) on fire. It's a windowless cavern filled with blinking fluorescent lights and asshole law students who have forgotten simple etiquette/enjoy having whisper-shout conversations while others (me) are trying to get work done. I can never find the girl's bathroom. Unlike the boy's, which is located right in front, the geniuses who designed this place used Harry Potter magic to make it so the toilets I require move to a different place each day. It's like the Room of Requirement, but in reverse. And the AV room, oh sweet lord. That fucking room is always closed when I need to check out a movie for class, and when it happens to be open, 9 times out of 10 the professor has made it so that the DVD can't be taken out of the room and you have to sit in the most uncomfortable chairs ever for 2 hours trying to watch Japanese or Italian children die while the law student next to you is yelling about torts or objections or dicks in their mouths. I hate the library.
6. I'm a terrible test taker. Two hours of me scratching away in some little blue book never reflects my full comprehension of the class. I suck at spelling. My handwriting is awful. It's just not a good thing. Papers are better because I have more time (unless I procrastinate) to formulate my arguments, correct mistakes, etc. I'm horrible at remembering names and dates, so if you want the specifics, let me write a goddamn paper. I sucked in high school, I sucked at the SAT's, I suck now, and if I decide to go to grad school, I'm going to suck then. It's just how my brain works.
7. Caffeine does wonders (sarcasm!) on my digestive system.
8. The universe likes to wait and save the most beautiful, warm spring days for when I have to be holed up in a dark room trying to memorize things like the different types of gay culture featured on 'Will and Grace' or how the TV news has changed from informative to soul-suckingly awful. The Communications and Media Studies major, ladies and gentleman!
9. Finally, in about a month, maybe less, I will have forgotten 67% of this information I slaved/cried over for the past semester. In 5 months, I will forget 83% of the Spanish I have spent 5 years learning. Puta madre.
So, future me, I hope that by writing this I've made you feel a bit better about missing college. Have fun returning to your 8 hour job serving assholes at Starbucks!
XOXOXOXO
Hartley
Reasons Why I Hated Final Exams
1. Sleep deprivation. I do not do well in life if I don't receive lengthy amounts of sleep. Even getting 8 hours, which would refresh a normal person, requires me to consume caffeine in order to function. I have never, ever been able to pull all nighters because they make me physically sick. I become more of a bitch than I already am, if you can believe it. Plus, I love my bed. I love being in it, I love eating in it (ala Liz Lemon), reading in it, doing.... ahem.... other things in it (like reading or watching Lost. Heh). My mattress pad is one of those Swedish space foam ones that just absorb your hand print/body and my sheets are soft and it's great. I freaking love my bed. So anything that deprives me from being in it automatically = hate.
2. I miss my TV shows. Yes, I KNOW I can watch them online the day after. I'm not stupid. This doesn't mean I like to. I actually hate watching things on my computer, it hurts my eyes, the quality often sucks ass and my university internet connection is so slow I'm pretty sure it's powered by a room of senior citizens plugging and unplugging phone jacks or other important wires hidden somewhere on campus. Yes, online TV has less commercials. This doesn't make the commercials any worse to watch. In fact, it's even more annoying to watch the same horrible commercial about the benefits of grape juice or some car I'll never buy 5 times in a row than the traditional blocks of assorted ones. Plus, I like being able to multitask- chat on computer, eat cheeseburger, watch 30 Rock, talk on phone. Finals negate ALL of that.
3. The constant writing of essays aggravates my neck/shoulder to no freaking end. I gave myself whiplash (because I'm awesome) at the beginning of last summer, so now when I'm under a ton of stress and have to write a lot, all the tension becomes centered in those two places. This time, the pain got so bad I couldn't sleep. I even got a massage and it didn't help.
4. I miss out on awesome geeky things like the opening night of Star Trek. Now everyone and their mom has seen it, except me. Which means while everyone is going to be talking about that one cool one alien fight or what an asshole Spock was, I'll just be sitting there drinking myself into a coma and counting down the days until Terminator comes out.
5. The library here at school makes me want to set things (and certain people) on fire. It's a windowless cavern filled with blinking fluorescent lights and asshole law students who have forgotten simple etiquette/enjoy having whisper-shout conversations while others (me) are trying to get work done. I can never find the girl's bathroom. Unlike the boy's, which is located right in front, the geniuses who designed this place used Harry Potter magic to make it so the toilets I require move to a different place each day. It's like the Room of Requirement, but in reverse. And the AV room, oh sweet lord. That fucking room is always closed when I need to check out a movie for class, and when it happens to be open, 9 times out of 10 the professor has made it so that the DVD can't be taken out of the room and you have to sit in the most uncomfortable chairs ever for 2 hours trying to watch Japanese or Italian children die while the law student next to you is yelling about torts or objections or dicks in their mouths. I hate the library.
6. I'm a terrible test taker. Two hours of me scratching away in some little blue book never reflects my full comprehension of the class. I suck at spelling. My handwriting is awful. It's just not a good thing. Papers are better because I have more time (unless I procrastinate) to formulate my arguments, correct mistakes, etc. I'm horrible at remembering names and dates, so if you want the specifics, let me write a goddamn paper. I sucked in high school, I sucked at the SAT's, I suck now, and if I decide to go to grad school, I'm going to suck then. It's just how my brain works.
7. Caffeine does wonders (sarcasm!) on my digestive system.
8. The universe likes to wait and save the most beautiful, warm spring days for when I have to be holed up in a dark room trying to memorize things like the different types of gay culture featured on 'Will and Grace' or how the TV news has changed from informative to soul-suckingly awful. The Communications and Media Studies major, ladies and gentleman!
9. Finally, in about a month, maybe less, I will have forgotten 67% of this information I slaved/cried over for the past semester. In 5 months, I will forget 83% of the Spanish I have spent 5 years learning. Puta madre.
So, future me, I hope that by writing this I've made you feel a bit better about missing college. Have fun returning to your 8 hour job serving assholes at Starbucks!
XOXOXOXO
Hartley
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Michael Ian Black knows how I feel
From his blog:
Today was tough. I woke up cold, crabby, and with a sore throat that made me feel as if I had spent the previous evening blowing Neptune, God of the sea.
EXACTLY. He and I are kindred spirits. Also, his blog is hilarious. Check it out.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
New Favorite Website
Lookatthisfuckinghipster.com has this to offer, and much, much more:
I almost lost it in the middle of the library. The hipsters provide me with such joy.
I almost lost it in the middle of the library. The hipsters provide me with such joy.
Quote
I think this quote accurately sums up most of the material I've been exposed to as a Media Studies major:
We are currently wealthy, fat, comfortable, and complacent. We have currently a built-in allergy to unpleasant or disturbing information. Our mass media reflect this. But unless we get up off our fat surpluses and recognise that television in the main is being used to distract, delude, amuse and insulate us, then television and those who finance it, those who look at it and those who work at it, may see a totally different picture too late.-Edward R. Murrow, October 15th 1958
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Wow.
It's like looking into the future (except without being pursued by Matt Saracen and moving back with my parents).
Friday, May 1, 2009
Hi Denny!
And now, a much needed update. Last Friday I had the honor and privilege to attend a midnight screening of a movie called The Room. Not many people know of it, but it's gained cult status out in LA where they do Rocky Horror-ish monthly screenings. Now they've started screenings in other cities, and it's starting to get a major underground following. Why? Because it's bad. Oh dear god... is it bad. Not "Waynes Brothers let's make fun of white people and sports movies" bad. Bad to the point of utter brilliance. Although I dont know what else you would expect coming from a man that looks like this:
That's Tommy Wiseau, the director, star and mysterious genius behind The Room. But more on him later.
People love this movie- the line to get in the theatre stretched around the block and people dressed up in costume. (Side-note: I feel like you can tell a lot about the quality of the product by judging the members of the fandom. Example: Twilight fans? Just...no. But to quote my friend Jon, "The Room has hot nerds".) The Room has earned itself a sizable and eager fan base, and not just out of ordinary, run of the mill NYU film nerds. FAMOUS people love it too. How do I know this? Sit down kids, and prepare to be amazed. A little back story: Tommy Wiseau is known to show up to the LA screenings and do Q&A sessions before the movie, where he treats the audience to rants on his film's brilliance and refuses to answer questions about where he's from and how the hell he was able to finance the project. After we had all taken our seats, ushers dressed in tuxedos announced that the man himself would be joining us. That turned out to be a lie; instead of Wiseau a man in a bad wig ran up in front of the screen. I was about to yell something like "How dare you deceive us, I want the real Tommy not some asshole in a wig blah blah blah" and then the man turned around to reveal his face:
I let out such a fangirly scream, all the dogs in a 10 mile radius probably went nuts. DAVID FUCKING CROSS PEOPLE! That, if anything, solidifies the brilliance of this movie. Cross took questions as Tommy and tossed a football around (makes sense if you've seen the movie) and made us laugh and solidified in my mind that the man can do no wrong. But I digress.
I'm not really sure how to describe the actual movie. It takes place in San Francisco (prompting movie goers to yell out the "Full House" theme whenever those vertical houses are shown on screen). Tommy stars as Johnny who has a lot of money and dates this girl Lisa who's cheats on him with his best friend and for some reason adopted the world's oldest orphan. The plot itself really isnt important- you just have to know that Lisa's a lying whore. Wiseau must have some serious issues with women; every single female is a manipulative liar, fixated on money, and in one case, likes to break in and have sex on friend's couches. Plot holes and technical errors abound- the movie will go out of focus, people appear with no introduction or explanation, and some of the worst usage of green screens in history are featured. Framed photos of spoons are all over the apartment where the action takes place. Lisa's mother is ill:
and never mentions it again. Denny gets beat up for buying/selling drugs and then spends the rest of the movie just being creepy:
That's him creepily staring at the pillow fight, a scene that occurs before one of the movie's many.. um... shots of Wiseau's ass pumping away. Luckily? Denny has left by then. Johnny and his friends toss around a football at incredibly close range, once in tuxedos for no reason at all. I could go on, but you really have to see it to really understand. Needless to say, it was one of the most amazing nights of my life, and I will be returning every month to throw spoons at Wiseau's dimpled ass. To finish, I'll leave you with one of my favorite scenes ever.
I have resolved to greet all dogs I encounter a la Tommy from now on.
That's Tommy Wiseau, the director, star and mysterious genius behind The Room. But more on him later.
People love this movie- the line to get in the theatre stretched around the block and people dressed up in costume. (Side-note: I feel like you can tell a lot about the quality of the product by judging the members of the fandom. Example: Twilight fans? Just...no. But to quote my friend Jon, "The Room has hot nerds".) The Room has earned itself a sizable and eager fan base, and not just out of ordinary, run of the mill NYU film nerds. FAMOUS people love it too. How do I know this? Sit down kids, and prepare to be amazed. A little back story: Tommy Wiseau is known to show up to the LA screenings and do Q&A sessions before the movie, where he treats the audience to rants on his film's brilliance and refuses to answer questions about where he's from and how the hell he was able to finance the project. After we had all taken our seats, ushers dressed in tuxedos announced that the man himself would be joining us. That turned out to be a lie; instead of Wiseau a man in a bad wig ran up in front of the screen. I was about to yell something like "How dare you deceive us, I want the real Tommy not some asshole in a wig blah blah blah" and then the man turned around to reveal his face:
I let out such a fangirly scream, all the dogs in a 10 mile radius probably went nuts. DAVID FUCKING CROSS PEOPLE! That, if anything, solidifies the brilliance of this movie. Cross took questions as Tommy and tossed a football around (makes sense if you've seen the movie) and made us laugh and solidified in my mind that the man can do no wrong. But I digress.
I'm not really sure how to describe the actual movie. It takes place in San Francisco (prompting movie goers to yell out the "Full House" theme whenever those vertical houses are shown on screen). Tommy stars as Johnny who has a lot of money and dates this girl Lisa who's cheats on him with his best friend and for some reason adopted the world's oldest orphan. The plot itself really isnt important- you just have to know that Lisa's a lying whore. Wiseau must have some serious issues with women; every single female is a manipulative liar, fixated on money, and in one case, likes to break in and have sex on friend's couches. Plot holes and technical errors abound- the movie will go out of focus, people appear with no introduction or explanation, and some of the worst usage of green screens in history are featured. Framed photos of spoons are all over the apartment where the action takes place. Lisa's mother is ill:
and never mentions it again. Denny gets beat up for buying/selling drugs and then spends the rest of the movie just being creepy:
That's him creepily staring at the pillow fight, a scene that occurs before one of the movie's many.. um... shots of Wiseau's ass pumping away. Luckily? Denny has left by then. Johnny and his friends toss around a football at incredibly close range, once in tuxedos for no reason at all. I could go on, but you really have to see it to really understand. Needless to say, it was one of the most amazing nights of my life, and I will be returning every month to throw spoons at Wiseau's dimpled ass. To finish, I'll leave you with one of my favorite scenes ever.
I have resolved to greet all dogs I encounter a la Tommy from now on.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
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