Saturday, May 9, 2009


I took (and probably failed miserably) my last real final exam yesterday afternoon. This fills me with a small amount of excitement, because while I'm not that thrilled about graduating, I am over the freaking moon that I will never have to endure a finals schedule like the one I just did. Two mind numbing exams on Thursday and then another one on Friday had me hysterically laughing/screaming while curled up in a small ball on my couch. (I'm not exaggerating. Ask my roommates. They were scared.) Now everyone is telling me to celebrate because I'm done forever and get to enter the real world and be a person, which I've been desperately trying to avoid for the past 5 years. I know I'm going to get extremely nostalgic in the coming months/years/decades about college, so I figured to counter that I would compose a list to remind future me of the brain dissolving pain I have just endured.

Reasons Why I Hated Final Exams

1. Sleep deprivation. I do not do well in life if I don't receive lengthy amounts of sleep. Even getting 8 hours, which would refresh a normal person, requires me to consume caffeine in order to function. I have never, ever been able to pull all nighters because they make me physically sick. I become more of a bitch than I already am, if you can believe it. Plus, I love my bed. I love being in it, I love eating in it (ala Liz Lemon), reading in it, doing.... ahem.... other things in it (like reading or watching Lost. Heh). My mattress pad is one of those Swedish space foam ones that just absorb your hand print/body and my sheets are soft and it's great. I freaking love my bed. So anything that deprives me from being in it automatically = hate.

2. I miss my TV shows. Yes, I KNOW I can watch them online the day after. I'm not stupid. This doesn't mean I like to. I actually hate watching things on my computer, it hurts my eyes, the quality often sucks ass and my university internet connection is so slow I'm pretty sure it's powered by a room of senior citizens plugging and unplugging phone jacks or other important wires hidden somewhere on campus. Yes, online TV has less commercials. This doesn't make the commercials any worse to watch. In fact, it's even more annoying to watch the same horrible commercial about the benefits of grape juice or some car I'll never buy 5 times in a row than the traditional blocks of assorted ones. Plus, I like being able to multitask- chat on computer, eat cheeseburger, watch 30 Rock, talk on phone. Finals negate ALL of that.

3. The constant writing of essays aggravates my neck/shoulder to no freaking end. I gave myself whiplash (because I'm awesome) at the beginning of last summer, so now when I'm under a ton of stress and have to write a lot, all the tension becomes centered in those two places. This time, the pain got so bad I couldn't sleep. I even got a massage and it didn't help.

4. I miss out on awesome geeky things like the opening night of Star Trek. Now everyone and their mom has seen it, except me. Which means while everyone is going to be talking about that one cool one alien fight or what an asshole Spock was, I'll just be sitting there drinking myself into a coma and counting down the days until Terminator comes out.

5. The library here at school makes me want to set things (and certain people) on fire. It's a windowless cavern filled with blinking fluorescent lights and asshole law students who have forgotten simple etiquette/enjoy having whisper-shout conversations while others (me) are trying to get work done. I can never find the girl's bathroom. Unlike the boy's, which is located right in front, the geniuses who designed this place used Harry Potter magic to make it so the toilets I require move to a different place each day. It's like the Room of Requirement, but in reverse. And the AV room, oh sweet lord. That fucking room is always closed when I need to check out a movie for class, and when it happens to be open, 9 times out of 10 the professor has made it so that the DVD can't be taken out of the room and you have to sit in the most uncomfortable chairs ever for 2 hours trying to watch Japanese or Italian children die while the law student next to you is yelling about torts or objections or dicks in their mouths. I hate the library.

6. I'm a terrible test taker. Two hours of me scratching away in some little blue book never reflects my full comprehension of the class. I suck at spelling. My handwriting is awful. It's just not a good thing. Papers are better because I have more time (unless I procrastinate) to formulate my arguments, correct mistakes, etc. I'm horrible at remembering names and dates, so if you want the specifics, let me write a goddamn paper. I sucked in high school, I sucked at the SAT's, I suck now, and if I decide to go to grad school, I'm going to suck then. It's just how my brain works.

7. Caffeine does wonders (sarcasm!) on my digestive system.

8. The universe likes to wait and save the most beautiful, warm spring days for when I have to be holed up in a dark room trying to memorize things like the different types of gay culture featured on 'Will and Grace' or how the TV news has changed from informative to soul-suckingly awful. The Communications and Media Studies major, ladies and gentleman!

9. Finally, in about a month, maybe less, I will have forgotten 67% of this information I slaved/cried over for the past semester. In 5 months, I will forget 83% of the Spanish I have spent 5 years learning. Puta madre.

So, future me, I hope that by writing this I've made you feel a bit better about missing college. Have fun returning to your 8 hour job serving assholes at Starbucks!

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