Oh great!

Just what kids these days need:

A head-start to hipsterdom! Thanks American Apparel!

Want

Because it's true.

Oh how I love The Onion Vol. 2

More here.

Reasons I Love NY Vol. 1

virginmedia.com

That is (duh) the Empire State Building. It is lit green not because of Earth Day, or because they want money, or because they want to celebrate St. Patricks Day twice in one year. No, it is lit green because of these guys:

It's the 25th anniversary of those pizza loving mutants, and NYC is celebrating not only by lighting the Empire State Building green, but there's also going to be a free screening in Tribeca.So FREAKING awesome. I wish I didnt have class.

Crazy Swede

This semester I've been taking a film class entitled "Films of Moral Struggle", which is really just an excuse for my professor to choose any movie he wants and talk about the "problems" they present. Really, he could show the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies and they would still qualify under the class requirements. Thankfully, my professor has excellent taste and has been showing us some classic films by great directors- Godard, Kurosawa, Truffaut, Bergman, etc. Generally I've enjoyed almost every selection-I loved Bergman's The Seventh Seal and was really surprised I hadnt seen it sooner. When my prof told us we were going to screen another film by Bergman, I was pumped. And then we watched this film:

I'm not saying it wasn't good; I thought it raised interesting questions about intimacy, relationships, death, the whole nine yards. I would just like to be warned SPOILER ALERT if I'm about to see a woman crush glass in her hand, stick it up into her lady parts, sit and squirm around so it really gets in there, and then wipe the bloody results on her face while smiling. I don't think that's too much to ask. And on a related note, Something Awful had a brilliant addition to their ongoing Photoshop Phriday forum, this time recasting classic movies:

Brilliant.

Mind Blowing

So I'm flipping through the channels (it's that magical moment each evening when all the late night talk shows have all their musical acts on at the same time) and I see this man:

(aka James Iha of Smashing Pumpkins fame)
playing alongside THIS:

I'm sorry, WHAT? When did every random band of the '90's decide to converge to form "supergroups"? The next thing you know it will be:

plus

with

This is genius. I'm getting on the phone with EMI and Sony.

Further thoughts on graduation

Courtesy of marriedtothesea.com

Expectations

I have a job interview tomorrow (my first...ever) and I'm expecting it to go a little something like this:

Human Giant: Job Interview - watch more funny videos

Perhaps minus the grenade. (On the other hand, it is New York. People here have tigers as pets)

Well

It appears that Hart of Snarkness already exists (albeit under another name). Damn you SNL, for making me irrelevant!

Caving in to social pressure

I have just become another lemming (i.e I just joined Twitter) I'm still not sure if I like it.

UPDATE: The Natural History Museum Blue Whale has a Twitter account. I'm sold.

The Definition of Awesome

Yes, this an AK-47 made out of bacon. More pictures here.

Celebrity Doppelgangers

Celebrities I've been told I resemble:

Alexis Bledel


Robin Tunny



Eva Green (Only my mom thinks this, but she's adamant about it)


Sean Young (in Blade Runner)


I was also told Reese Witherspoon once, but it was some drunk asshole trying to hit on me, so it doesnt count.

Oh man oh man

Cracked.com has had some genius stuff, but this might be one of my all-time favorites: Matthew McConaughey’s Next 10 Movie Posters My top 3:

Click to enlarge, if you dare.

Concerning my Sarlacc sand pit

Being a student of communications, I love love LOVE Sarah Haskins' video series on Current called Target: Women, in which she dissects the ridiculous ways commercials market their products to the female demographic. Thank god I'm not the only one who found those Schick Quatro topiary themed ads mildly offensive:

I was in the Vagina Monologues last year, and I had never really given much thought about how uncomfortable people (I'm including women in this) are with saying the word VAGINA. After yelling at passing priests and nuns to buy tickets for our show (ah, the joys of attending a Jesuit university) I've become much more comfortable with a) acknowledging/discussing my own body and b) yelling the words VAGINA and CUNT at strangers. Not that I do it all the time, but at least now I have no qualms about saying the actual words in public without feeling embarrassed. So thanks Vagina Monologues, for helping me get up the courage to yell about my lady-parts to members of the clergy/general public!

Oh how I love The Onion Vol.1

The Onion's projected casting of a Michael Bay directed ThunderCats: Article here.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Today I recieved my cap and gown/other gradutation crap.
Let's just say I'm not that excited about this upcoming event.

What the...

So I just looked over some of my recent posts and...really? Am I turning into a 45 year old soccer mom? Harlequin? Hello Kitty? LIFETIME??
Consider the balance re-obtained.

Book Club

Somehow, if it stemmed from our mutual hatred of Twilight or out of sheer boredom from being home on break in Colorado Springs-I dont remember exactly, my friend Maggie and I decided we should start an "Awful Book Club". Bad science-fiction, bad horror, really anything trashy or having to do with the supernatural would be covered. We never started the club, but I did get in the habit of purchasing her romance novels for birthday or Christmas gifts as kind of a running gag. (She, in turn, buys me Twilight memorabilia) My selections have covered many sub-genres, from NASCAR themed: to the supernatural: They are pretty amazing, and I plan to keep on expanding Maggie's collection as long as they keep writing them. It just so happens that Harlequin's 60th anniversery is this year, and ABC News did a hilarious segment where they had different celebrities read aloud from various books. Here's the link, it's amazing and made my crush on Paul Rudd even bigger (if that was possible)

Googlism

Selected search results of my name on the Googlism website:


-hartley is a goddamn genius
-hartley is the most rigorous creative force to have emerged in the american cinema in recent years
-hartley is not left to teach 15 anxious grandparents alone
-hartley is much more confident than that bohemian boy
-hartley is buried in wyuka cemetery
-hartley is not open to the public the same way a park or nature center would be
-hartley is adding a new twist
-hartley is now unable to make political speeches in parliament
-hartley is trapped between sincerity and mock sincerity
-hartley is waiting to escort you on a journey into eroticism

Thank you Nora Roberts

Right now I'm watching Bret Michaels suck the face off of one of the final two contestant whores on the Rock of Love season finale. If my love for crap TV hasn't been apparent before, well...it is now. MTV, Vh1, TLC, ... it doesnt really matter what network its on, as long as the acting is horrific and the production values are low I'm there. Which is why I consider the Lifetime Nora Roberts 2009 collection a godsend. Holy crap, are these movies horrific/fantastic. I've seen better acting in a love scene in that YouTube video of the turtle humping a shoe (which is hilarious, look it up). Now because Saturday nights are usually spent elsewhere, I've only seen two of the four- Tribute, which starred the girl from Clueless and the guy from Sex and the City (whose pupils were non-existent and therefore looked absolutely terrifying) and High Noon, which had some dude I've never heard of and Lost's Emilie de Ravin. The man clutching Emilie looks like a fetus, which should of been my first warning of how spectacularly awful this hour and 30 minutes was going to be. Emilie plays a hostage negotiator who's being pursued by a guy who won the lottery and now owns a couple of bars. She also has a kid and runs around in high heeled boots and her mom cant leave the house blah blah blah. She's too busy for love! But because this is Lifetime, he takes her out for a beer and buys her kid flowers and he's in! As she's falling in love with the fetus millionaire, some mystery guy attacks her in the hallway of the police station and beats the crap out of her, which lands her in the hospital with some nicely placed bruises courtesy of the Lifetime makeup department. Fetus millionaire is there to pick up the pieces and in one of my favorite scenes of the movie, takes her shopping in the grocery store. They're walking around and picking out fruit and suddenly the guy realizes he's getting strange looks from people in the store. Because his new girlfriend looks like she's gotten the crap beaten out of her, and it looks like he did it. When he mentions this to his high-heeled negotiator sweetheart, she thinks it's HILARIOUS. OMG you guys, domestic abuse is sooooooooo funny!!! And because she's a lady cop, it's extra funny!!! Because no female member of the police force has ever been abused by their significant other! Hahahah! Here's the link if you don't believe me-it's around the 1 minute mark. Then they move on and her ex-husband gets blown up and they get married and have lots of babies and her mom leaves the house maybe. I wasn't really paying attention at the end. But whatever, it was still amazingly bad and now I want to watch every movie based on Nora Roberts' books ever made. And on a final note, apparently I'm not the only one who is catching on to the whole Lifetime craze . Brilliant.

Random-ass internet discoveries vol.1

Unrealitymag.com has compiled 25 Supremely Awesome Darth Vader Photos. Below is one of my favorites: For the rest, click here

This is a T-shirt

And I want it. Hint hint.

New music I'm enjoying

Places I need to go but sadly haven't Vol. 1

The New Museum: For this exhibit.

Rainbow Coalition

Gawker posted this cool map predicting when states will legalize gay marriage:
Apparently a guy named Nate Silver used data from recent amendments and state percentages of evangelicals to predict these dates. Having lived in my home state of Colorado for 18 years, I was surprised to see 2010 as it's predicted year. Of course, I was incredibly surprised when Colorado went to Obama during the recent election, so maybe things have changed since I've been away. But even if this happens, (and I really hope it does) assholes like these will unfortunately always pop-up: Seriously??? WHAT THE BALLS? I don't know whether to laugh at the unfortunate choice of "Rainbow Coalition" or sob in a corner.

Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan is one-quarter complete!

One of the things I miss about my old apartment is my TV. For some bizarre reason Fordham does not get Cartoon Network and therefore does not get Adult Swim. It's been pointed out to me that I could watch most of its content online, but I'm old school and like to actually watch TV on TV (how novel!). When I was writing papers late at night, I liked having it on in the background (as well as the Food Network, which Fordham doesn't get either) or as an option during my ever increasing periods of insomnia. Which is why I'm extremely pleased that Comedy Central has decided to continue airing Futurama late at night. I've been a huge fan of the show for a really long time- it's one of those shows that I can watch over and over again and never get sick of. One of my favorite episodes of all time is the last one of the series, where Fry learns how to play the Holophonor and composes his opera for Leela. I like it for many reasons; Beelzebot the Robot Devil

and the Hedonism Bot are two of my favorite robots on the show (no offense to Bender), the opera itself is awesome:

(seriously, I would go to the opera every night if it involved singing babies and Godzilla) and the grumpy snail looks like something I wish I had in my begining piano lesson book. I've also learned through my frequent viewings of the show that it can be surprisingly sweet and sometimes even heartbreaking. I've always loved it when irreverant comedy shows unexpectedly verge into the dramatic or the romantic, and when Futurama does it I'm always pleased with the results. For example, the episode when Fry finds his fossilized dog? Makes me cry like a baby EVERYTIME. Fry's romantic gesture in this episode to Leela warms my heart, and after viewing it on multiple occasions I've come to this conclusion: I will take a badly played song on a holophonor over flowers any day.

For the love of god

Please let them be dating.

Best Break-up Ever

Translation: Sex With You Isn't Worth the Annoyance Of Your Company
Emo chick: So then she glared at me. In a mean way, not a happy way.
Normal looking boyfriend: I don't think that word means what you think it means.
Emo chick: Huh?
Normal looking boyfriend: You know, I just don't think this is going to work out.
Emo chick: Wait. You're breaking up with me? Here? Why?
Normal looking boyfriend: Well, I wasn't planning on it, but honey, you didn't like Watchmen and you've never read or seen The Princess Bride. Clearly we're just two very different people.
Overheard by: nayvera

via Overheard Everywhere, Apr 7, 2009

Overheard in New York/Everywhere never fails to entertain me. Now I just need to find this man....

Songs I want to download (but can't find on iTunes/Limewire) vol. 1

My roomate Kara and her friend were watching the season 3 finale of Battlestar Galactica in our common room this evening while I was losing yet another game of Solitaire and doing god knows what on the internet when I heard this cover of "All Along the Watchtower":

I've never seen the show (it's on my list, I swear) but from what I saw/heard, I'm very intrigued. Plus I love the song, it's a classic blah blah blah and OF COURSE iTunes is useless as always and my Limewire sucks balls. I'm one of the few who still pay for some of my music, especially if I like the artist or if they arent signed to a major label. However, this makes my ability to find rare versions of songs I like limited at best. So if anyone out there could help a girl out, I'll....I dunno....bake you a pie or something.

Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K

This weekend I had the honor of visiting my good friend Maggie who goes to Sarah Lawrence. Not only did I engage in the once in a lifetime experience of attending a Catholic Rave (glowsticks and all) Maggie also hosted a screening party. The lineup included not just Spike Jonze music videos and the episode of Degrassi where Manny takes her top off, but one of my favorite movies with an Abe Lincoln impersonator of all time:. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure will always remain one of my few fond memories of high school- Maggie and I would have Keanu-fests and watch hours upon hours of The Devil's Advocate, Bill and Ted, and Bram Stoker's Dracula just to revel in the genius that is Keanu Reeves. Why has this man not won an Oscar already? Anywhoo, back to Bill and Ted. I could go on and on about Socrates Johnson hitting on the ladies at the mall, or Napoleon's progressively see-through bathing costume at the Waterloo waterpark, or how Freud is constantly holding phallic objects like a corn dog, or the brilliant running joke about Bill's stepmom. But what I really want to focus on is much better presented with this picture:
Can we talk about those abs?? Alex Winter really does not get enough credit for those.

This is exactly how I feel at this moment: Ughhhhhhhhh

Joy of Cooking

So I've been made aware of this before (and thought it was hilarious) but a recent post on the AV Club website's Taste Test feature brought it up yet again, and I figure coming (no pun intended) across this more than once makes it worthy of a post. Ladies and gentleman, may I present: Finally, someone has provided the answer to a problem that has plagued human kind for centuries: What to do if I've just jacked off and have a hankering for lime aoili? I feel like the next step should be a gift set containing this as well as a placenta cookbook in case all of your um...emissions... aren't fully recovered. And maybe one of these as well: Maybe I should e-mail Oprah and try to convince her to include it as one of her "favorite things". YOU get a semen cookbook, and YOU get a semen cookbook, YOU'RE ALL GETTING SEMEN COOKBOOKS!!!

Right now I am supposed to be writing a paper for my Understanding Television class about what significance the TV series Lost holds for a specific audience segment and how this group of viewers identifies with, finds meaning in, and/or takes pleasure in the series. Key words:Supposed to be. Instead, I am watching Reno 911 on Comedy Central and playing solitaire on my cell phone. Usually I would save the lame cell phone game for subway rides or for when its 4 a.m and I can't fall asleep, but this particular game is so fucking hard I only have a 43% success rate. This pisses me off. Maybe I'm so bad at it because I only just learned how to play in high school? Why wasnt I spending my formative years learning to stack alternating colors and suits? Instead of listening to the Spice Girls and collecting Pogs maybe I should have been hard at work practicing this stupid game so I could get a 100% and delete it from my phone. Lame lame lame lame lame.