Sunday, April 12, 2009

Thank you Nora Roberts

Right now I'm watching Bret Michaels suck the face off of one of the final two contestant whores on the Rock of Love season finale. If my love for crap TV hasn't been apparent before, is now. MTV, Vh1, TLC, ... it doesnt really matter what network its on, as long as the acting is horrific and the production values are low I'm there. Which is why I consider the Lifetime Nora Roberts 2009 collection a godsend. Holy crap, are these movies horrific/fantastic. I've seen better acting in a love scene in that YouTube video of the turtle humping a shoe (which is hilarious, look it up). Now because Saturday nights are usually spent elsewhere, I've only seen two of the four- Tribute, which starred the girl from Clueless and the guy from Sex and the City (whose pupils were non-existent and therefore looked absolutely terrifying) and High Noon, which had some dude I've never heard of and Lost's Emilie de Ravin. The man clutching Emilie looks like a fetus, which should of been my first warning of how spectacularly awful this hour and 30 minutes was going to be. Emilie plays a hostage negotiator who's being pursued by a guy who won the lottery and now owns a couple of bars. She also has a kid and runs around in high heeled boots and her mom cant leave the house blah blah blah. She's too busy for love! But because this is Lifetime, he takes her out for a beer and buys her kid flowers and he's in! As she's falling in love with the fetus millionaire, some mystery guy attacks her in the hallway of the police station and beats the crap out of her, which lands her in the hospital with some nicely placed bruises courtesy of the Lifetime makeup department. Fetus millionaire is there to pick up the pieces and in one of my favorite scenes of the movie, takes her shopping in the grocery store. They're walking around and picking out fruit and suddenly the guy realizes he's getting strange looks from people in the store. Because his new girlfriend looks like she's gotten the crap beaten out of her, and it looks like he did it. When he mentions this to his high-heeled negotiator sweetheart, she thinks it's HILARIOUS. OMG you guys, domestic abuse is sooooooooo funny!!! And because she's a lady cop, it's extra funny!!! Because no female member of the police force has ever been abused by their significant other! Hahahah! Here's the link if you don't believe me-it's around the 1 minute mark. Then they move on and her ex-husband gets blown up and they get married and have lots of babies and her mom leaves the house maybe. I wasn't really paying attention at the end. But whatever, it was still amazingly bad and now I want to watch every movie based on Nora Roberts' books ever made. And on a final note, apparently I'm not the only one who is catching on to the whole Lifetime craze . Brilliant.

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